When it Comes to the Coronavirus, People-Pleasing Can Be a Death Sentence

It’s killing my dad right now.

5 min readDec 14, 2020

Photo by Macau Photo Agency on Unsplash

My dad is a 71-year-old type-2 diabetic whose been on blood pressure tablets for years. He’s also obese, and drank and smoked for most of his life. But his ill health is not what’s going to kill him — people-pleasing is.

Despite his age, he still works at a local pharmacy, delivering medicines door-to-door to those who can’t collect it themselves. It’s a meaningful job, especially in these trying times, but with his profile, he’s at serious risk.

In reality, he’s more worried than me, but the truth is this: His sense of identity is based on not letting people down. As a result, he’s terrified of saying no. He calls this old-school, and he thinks that’s an excuse. I don’t. I think it’s a death sentence, for him and my mother.

When People-Pleasing Can Kill You

Even in normal circumstances, the risks of people-pleasing can lead to serious health risks. People-pleasers rarely prioritize their own self-care. By putting others first, they spend less time relaxing, exercising, and planning healthy meals, and as a result, are more prone to health problems.

But in coronavirus times, people-pleasing can literally kill you — especially if you’re one of those at serious risk.

If you’re a grandparent, what are you going to do if your son or daughter asks you to mind their kids? Or maybe your partner isn’t taking coronavirus seriously and thinks it’s ridiculous that your parents can’t take the children.

Are you going to say yes only to keep them happy? Are you going to say yes and silently resent them because they’re putting your life at risk?

Or worse yet, maybe there are others who see you as an easy target and are willing to take advantage of you. They know you can’t say no and are willing to exploit the situation because they fear for their own safety.

How to Say ‘No’ to People-Pleasing

When talking about people-pleasing, I usually give people advice on why they need to say no. But when it comes to the coronavirus, I think this much is clear, so I’ll get straight to the how.

Here are 7 tactics on how to say ‘no’ when it comes to the coronavirus.

Explain the predicament you’re in. Hit them with solid logic. “With my underlying health issues, this virus could kill me, so my answer is no.”

Don’t explain. Sometimes you can leave yourself open to judgement and negotiation if you try to explain yourself. So just say: “Sorry, I’ll have to say no this time.” You don’t have to defend your position.

Decline with gratitude. Be grateful for the offer, but kindly refuse: “You know I love minding the kids (or doing x) under normal circumstances, but with everything that’s going on, I’ll have to say no until it passes.”

Show them you thought about it carefully: “I’ve thought hard about this because I really don’t want to let you down, but I have to take a pass.”

Make it non-personal. Establish a blanket policy that applies to everyone: “I’m sorry, but I’m following these isolation guidelines with everybody, no exceptions.”

Volunteer someone else. It’s often the case that people don’t care who helps them — as long as they get help: “I can’t do it, but X, who’s a lot younger than me might be interested.”

Say it with humour. “Nope, not with this shit going down!”

The Takeaway

Steve Jobs once said that it’s only by saying ‘no’ that you can focus on what’s important in life. In this case, it’s your actual life.

So if someone asks you to do something you’re not comfortable with, try the tactics above. Maybe you explain yourself, maybe you don’t, but you should be thoughtful, and most of all, don’t make it personal.

Saying yes is easy, and saying no is hard, especially when talking to loved ones. So you need to think about the gravity of this situation, and when you say yes to others, even your family, make sure you are not saying no to life.

I’ll be chatting to my dad later today. I’m hoping he’ll let my brother and I do the deliveries over the coming weeks. I’m just praying that he didn’t read this article first.

What would you do if you had a second chance at life?

Having escaped from the depths of heroin addiction (see before-after addictions pics here), I decided to write a book about it. Bonus Time: A true story of surviving the worst and discovering the magic of every moment. Order a copy here.

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